Are we there yet?

night temperature: Kirov -26 C, -14 F

I just want to get to the train. It's a short ride, but L is catatonic. There is nothing that would have prepared me for the rush of feelings that flooded my mind when I realized she was catatonic. She is completely unresponsive. I watch her stare straight ahead w/ no expression as the car drives into the night. We try to catch her eyes. I rub her back. She doesn't answer our translator. I try to see her face behind the snow jacket's hood. She isn't moving at all, just staring. A million fears race through my head about what this might mean. I have my panic moment- "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?" As fast as the fear fell upon me, it is gone again. I remember our training classes. This is hard stuff, certainly overwhelming for an 8 year old! We were told that most orphans are not used to riding in cars. They spend their days, day in & day out, at the orphanage. They eat, bathe, go to school, see the doctor & grow up at the orphanage. There is little reason to leave the grounds. This orphanage is out in the country, in a village. You don't see a lot of cars here. Most people walk regardless of the weather. I realize that the only other time she may have ridden in a car is when she arrived here. What is she thinking? I wish I knew. I may never know her full story, but hopefully, together we can deal w/ it.

We arrive at the train station & wait in the car since it is so cold. Five minutes prior to departure, we exit the car. L is beginning to come out of her funk. As we unload the luggage, I hand L & O the backpacks I packed for them. They are beyond thrilled! We head to the platform to wait for the train. It is cold & dark. Luckily, the train arrives within minutes. We quickly realize that our car is the first one that pasted us as the train approached the platform. Next thing I know, we are running towards the front. Our driver is in first after he grabbed our large luggage, Corbin in second w/ another bag & O in his arms, our translator in third & I am in last place practically dragging L, who is now weighed down by her new backpack. This train is only momentarily stopping & apparently they will wait for no one, even if they see you running!

We make it to the right car, flash all of our paper bling & jump on board. I turn back to see our translator & driver who have helped us navigate the way to where we stand at this very moment. I have only a second, so I say thank you, thank you, blow a kiss & then usher the kids to our cabin. I leave poor Corbin to kick & drag all our luggage behind me. As he pulls the last bag into our cabin, we slide the door closed. We did it! We are here! We have the kids! I rearrange the bags & find my missing glove! Yay! I remember to text Corbin's parents who are waiting to hear from us..."on train, have kids, will arrive in Moscow in the am :)"

Off to get the kids!

We head out to meet our driver. One more long bouncy car ride & we are there! He has a new car. It's smaller. I'm hoping he remembers that we will be picking up two kids when we leave today. I don't ask. It's more comfortable & warmer than his old minivan...definitely less bouncy, which I appreciate.

We have lunch at Corbin's favorite place (wink) just outside of the orphanage. I begged him to order pasta, but alas, he decides to order pizza...again. He has never liked the pizza once here, but still orders it. He tells me that he has a new angle today. He requests just pepperoni pizza. He is denied. That is not on the menu. How about just cheese pizza? No, that is not on the menu either. They have an entire list of pizzas they make. All of them have strange toppings. We are told that they make the pizzas fresh here, but somehow they can not just put on cheese. Whatever. I told him to get the pasta.

Finally, we are on our way to get the kids! It's about 4pm & the sun is setting. We arrive & the director is more friendly this time. She still avoids eye contact, but shows a slight smile to us. We get to the room where we always visit the kids & they are already waiting for us. They are excited, but certainly nervous, too. They are coloring. The psychologist is in the room working w/ another student who is not introduced to us. After a few minutes, she directs our kids to play w/ toys. L pulls out a small dollhouse & O grabs a large car. L takes out all the small animals & divides them into groups. She sets up little trees & gives the animals hay. She then returns to rearrange the small cardboard furniture in the dollhouse. By this time, O is driving around the room w/ his car. He clumsily drives through L's zoo. Trees fall & animals are knocked over. I'm guessing this may have happened before since his sister doesn't mind too much.

The kids leave for dinner briefly while we sit down w/ our translator. The director goes over the kids' schedule & I write feverishly. There are a few last papers to sign. I have a list of questions I'd like to ask if time permits. The kids have eaten in record time & are now back. L remembers the photo books we gave them last time & tells the director they don't have them. They run back to their rooms to retrieve them, but can not find them.

It's time to prepare to leave & the tension in the room increases. We have a complete set of clothes for each of them. The director watches as we pull out shirts & pants, socks & underwear, hats, coats & boots. "These pants are too thin," she says. "We will put snow pants over them," I reply. "The air will go right through this sweater," she says. "We will put this shirt underneath it," I reply. She looks over the coats, hats & gloves. She seems pleased. Russians are serious when it comes to keeping kids warm in the winter. "Scarf? There are no scarves!" She says. (She almost had me on this one. As we were packing the bag I remembered the scarves last & so they were thrown into the side pocket.) "No, I have scarves," I reply...thank goodness! I got the feeling that she was ready to tell us to come back tomorrow since I didn't have a scarf :) Now we are ready. I realize I can't find my glove. Corbin tells me not to worry about it, we need to go. I look everywhere. The kids join in. Corbin offers to buy me a new pair. It's got to be here! The other adults join the search. This is crazy! It's got to be here! I didn't go anywhere else. No luck. Finally, I give in & Corbin hands me his gloves.

As we get to the front of the building the director says something quickly & runs inside. Our translator tells us to wait here. I can see the car. I just want to get in the car. It is cold. The director returns w/ the social worker. They talk w/ the kids, give them hugs, give them kisses & then another big hug. I can see them crying, trying to hold it back. It is hard to watch them. Before we leave she asks me, "Please take care of our children." I can barely respond. "Of course, we will." We are all on the verge on tears & everyone is trying to keep it together for the sake of the kids. I grab their little hands & turn toward the car. We get in.

It is completely dark outside. The car drives slowly on the dirt driveway. As we pull away from the orphanage I turn & see two middle-aged woman watching our car leave w/ their arms intertwined. They turn & embrace each other. I look down at our children. I know they were loved by these women. Although they are happy to have found them a family, it still hurts to let them go...especially to let them go out of Russia. I know they are also worried. They don't know us very well. They have heard horror stories of American parents hurting Russian children. They are taking a chance that we will be good parents to them, that we will love them as we love our biological children & that they will be better off w/ us. Here at the orphanage, the director can be sure that their basic needs are taken care & that they are safe. But, what she can not offer them is a family.

I wondered how this part would play out. Now, I know. It's painful. There are parts of adoption that are painful. You can't undo the pain, you can't make it go away. It's part of the process. I can only do my part to make things better & although leaving the orphanage is painful, leaving my kids there does not make their life better.

Kirov, for the last time.

temperature today: Kirov -23 C, -10 F

We arrive in Kirov early, but it's not bright. It's 7:30am & completely dark outside. There's hustle & bustle on the streets, buses, people & cars everywhere. The shop owners shovel the sidewalks, kids walk to school & ladies walk arm in arm, locked at the elbows. Fur is everywhere! Both men & women wear big, fashionable fur hats & fur-trimmed coats. There is dirty slush covering the streets, although the sidewalks are clear.

Today is for paperwork. Our translator meets us at the train & we arrive at some type of government building. We are told to wait on the small wooden bench in the waiting area. Our translator is talking in a back office. A grandmother-type woman enters & starts up a conversation in Russian. We smile & remain silent. She speaks with the woman behind the desk who is busy making Christmas ornaments out of paper & shows her paperwork from her purse. A woman from the back appears & tells the grandmother something that is not pleasing. The grandmother continues on w/ our conversation while putting her paper away & zips up her coat. I can still hear her speaking as the office door shuts behind her. The woman behind the desk just grins & shrugs her shoulders at us.

A little while later, the woman from the back reappears w/ a long string of paper Christmas ornaments. The woman behind the desk comes over & they debate for awhile where they should be hung. Here? No, here! Maybe there? Maybe here? Finally they decide to hang them down the side of the doorway. I'm stumped. Really? That's the best spot? I decide to keep my opinions to myself since I didn't come all the way to Russia to hang Christmas ornaments. The two small Russian women struggle trying to tape the ornaments up high. It is an awkward moment as I sit beside my tall husband. Should he try to help? We quietly mumble back & forth. We decide that it's just too complicated to try to offer assistance. We sit & watch painfully for a moment. Luckily, we are called back to the office. After a bunch of sign here, sign here, we now have official paperwork which lists us as the parents. Yay!

We exit the building about 10:30am & the sun is beginning to rise. Our next stop is the electronics store. It is customary to bring a gift to the orphanage for the children who are left behind. Our translator tells us that they would like a tv. She helps us buy it & then we arrive at the hotel. It is cold...very, very cold!

We are free for the rest of the day. We make a quick stop at a sourveniour shop & then stop at the market for train ride snacks for tomorrow night. Last trip we thought we might go eat in the train restaurant- it didn't turn out well. :) This time, we are planning ahead. For lunch we decide to go back to a cafe we ate at last visit. They had a good chocolate milkshake, which is really more like frothy milk slightly chocolate...but it is good. We walk a bit afterwards just to be outside, but it is so cold! We head back to the hotel for a nap & accidentally sleep until 9pm! Oh well. I hate when we miss dinner. We snack a little, watch Bollywood movies in Russian & finally go to bed at midnight. So excited for tomorrow!