Our Vacation

As we pack for our first family vacation, L is scared. We see some old behaviors from her initial months home that we thought were long gone. This is a clue that although she puts up a good front, she is still  scared, still worried & still can throw on her game face in a flash. Below is a list of her words as the day to leave approaches.

L's worries-

Dad will get fired because we took a vacation
When we go to the beach, we won't have food
That the sand will hurt her
Scared of creatures in water
She might get sick in the car
Where will everyone Sleep
That Grandma's house has no beds
She will miss the pets
She will miss the house
That she will not come back home


We have returned!

Overall, the trip went well. L did regress at times, grab a few tricks out of her old bag, get jealous, get sad, have a few meltdowns, freak out a bit...BUT, we were able to have fun, do all the things we set out to do & the world didn't end! It's all about expectations.

One of the days, we went to the beach. It reminded me of another day at the beach, when I was a little girl. I wanted so badly to play in the waves. I remember being excited, but also afraid. My mother noticed. She came over to me. I could see her smiling, coaxing me to come into the water. The waves crashed & I ran. She laughed. She came out of the water to hold my hand. She walked with me. The next wave came. I fell down & began crying again. She then picked me up & held me. Slowly, the waves became less scary. Eventually, it became fun, in the safety of my mother's arms.

I miss my mom. She died 16 years ago.

L & O miss their first mom, too. They want so badly to participate in life, but are so very afraid.


This is my promise to them:
I won't give up on you.
I will be there when you cry, when you're scared & when you want to run away.
I will help you face your fears.
I will walk with you, hold your hand & pick you up when you can't do it alone.
My hope is that one day you will both realize that you don't have to be scared anymore.
Life can be good. Life can be fun.

I can't wait until our next vacation...

9 months in...

The Little O

We knew our son enough at 9 months to realize that he was terrified...absolutely terrified...of everything.
Looking back, there were some things we missed:
He didn't talk.
He didn't do anything to cause trouble.
He was a good quiet boy who mostly played in the corner.
He always played where he could see us, but was far enough away to escape if needed.
He was still delayed in language, apparently both languages.
Our primary focus shifted to making him feel safe before all else.





Mom Update

I've Struggled. I've struggled more than hubby. I have a repeating cycle of ups & downs. Thank goodness dh works from home because I have relied on him much more than I imagined I would. I sometimes sneak into his office for a quick break hoping no one saw me. Sometimes I send a kid into his office when I can't deal with their problem/issue/drama at that moment.
I've found it difficult to write at times. I'm not sure what I'll want to remember & what I'd rather forget.

Life feels a lot like when I first became a mom:
Exhausted
House a mess
Catching naps just to make it thought the day.

We are planning our first family vacation. It's crossed my mind that this might be a bad idea. I have heard some horror stories. There's only one way to find out...

Love is a Verb- 6 months home

It is no coincidence that I've been silent for the last few months. Life has been busy :) Introducing two older kids to our family of three slightly older kids has had its share of challenges. Have you ever heard anyone say "you should adopt older kids, they're easier?" No, no one does because they're not. Not only do you have to teach them, but you also need to unteach them as well. Everyone in our family has had changes & transitions. They are learning our ways & we have been learning theirs. We are becoming a family. It's a process. It can't be rushed. 

Although our new kids are not babies, in many ways we started over like they were. Temporarily, schedules were cleared, outings postponed, life was simplified. All was traded for spending time w/ one another before the treadmill of life called us back. 

So, what have we been up to?

• Learning English
• Getting used to automatic faucets, toilets & hand dryers
• Being excited about riding elevators & escalators
• Discovering why doors open & close by themselves
• Getting used to having "stuff" & sharing "stuff"
• Trying new foods- some are very yummy, others are not
• Being retrained to actually throw the toilet paper in the toilet
• Learning to trust
• Coloring, drawing, pasting & painting
• Telling stories about life in Russia, the orphanage & before the orphanage
• Learning how to be gentle & take care of pets
• Learning how to be nice & play nice
• Making friends
• Playing at the park
• Learning to listen to mom & dad
• Swimming at the pool
• Learning to ride bikes
• Reading lots of books & watching almost as much tv
• Being excited to help out in the kitchen
• Learning that the kitchen has hot things in it
• Remembering that hard wood floors can be very slippery
• Mastering the remote controls & the Wii
• Realizing that Americans are crazy obsessed w/ brushing their teeth
• Exploring the wonderment of Legos & puzzles
• Deciding that having five kids in one family can be lots of fun
• Lastly, that there's ALWAYS enough food for all of us

We have had good days & bad days. Days that were easy & days when I wasn't sure I would make it though. We have been helped, supported & encouraged by so many. Friends have blessed us w/ meals, clothing, house cleaning, play dates & babysitting. We have struggled. But, the reward is great! We have been overcome w/ hope. We have seen progress. We will continue to have our ups & downs.  We are halfway through our first year home & I can see a small light at the end of the tunnel.

In all honestly, I could not have made it the past 6 months w/o my husband & prayer...lots of it! What I've learned is that love is a verb. It is making beds, doing laundry, feeding mouths & teaching/correcting all day long. I'd be lying if I said that it has been easy. It hasn't. It's work & honestly some days I don't feel like it. But, on those days I drag myself out of bed & do the laundry & feed the mouths & someone will look into my eyes. For a moment, I see them, only them.  In that moment, I don't have to deal w/ their wounds that need to be healed or their issues that need to be addressed. I see them for the person that God made them. Instantly, a rainbow bursts through my clouds & I know what I am doing matters. It matters to two little people. It matters to God. It matters to me.

Taking a breath...trip 3 posts done!

It's been 90 days since we left for trip 3 & I have just finished all the blog posts...finally. It's been busy around here (understatement.) I knew it would be after we came home w/ 2 new kiddos. I actually had all my entries done before we left Russia. I had meticously written down things that happened or things they said each & every day. I knew at such an emotional time that I wouldn't remember all the details. I didn't want to forget a single thing.

Unfortunately, we were exhausted by the last day in Moscow. We let the kids play games on the IPad. At some point, when we weren't watching, someone must have deleted my notes. Hours of work gone. Details lost forever. I discovered this on the plane ride home when I decided to proof everything so I could post upon arrival...but, they were nowhere to be found. I was devastated. It may seem silly to you, but I was truly overcome w/ grief. I couldn"t do anything to replace what was lost.

It really surprised me how immobilized I became. I didn't want to start the posts again. I wanted back what I already had done. It took weeks for me to begin to write my old post entries. Even though I knew that w/ each passing day I was forgetting little details of the trip, exactly what I wanted to avoid in the first place, I still couldn't bring myself to do the task. But, I found myself w/ no other choice, & had to start over. Finally, I realized that this is not unlike what my new kids are doing right now- trying to overcome & redo life. Things happened to them that they had no control over. They find themselves now in a new family, in a new nation & everything is new, too.

At some point in our lives, things will not go the way we planned. We find ourselves in a circumstance we may have never intended. Eventually, we all have to make the decision to overcome & move on. So, here I am finally. I can't say that these blogs posts are better or worse than the original ones, but this is what I have to offer...& I'm OK w/ that. Enjoy!

P.S. trip 3 posts begin on 12/10/12

60 day check-in

Favorite things?


L- This cake is yummy yummy. Russian cake is no yummy yummy. (We made a chocolate cake w/ white frosting)

O- Machina game!!! (He loves Mario Cart on the Wii)

30 day check-in

What do you like about America?

L- There are many yummy foods.
 O- and lots of good books, too!

A short flight & one long flight home

morning temperature: Moscow -21 C, -5 F
day temperature: Denver 24 F

It's 4am, Corbin & I are up getting ready. We wake up the kids at 4:30 & finish throwing things in bags. The kids are both like zombies. They are up, getting dressed, brushing teeth, packing their suitcases, but seem like they're not quite awake. By 4:45 we are in the lobby waiting for our driver. At 5 am we are in the car on the way to the airport. By now, we are used to L's catatonic state whenever we ride in cars. At least it doesn't seem so odd this time because it's so early.

Of course, we arrive at the airport in full snow gear so, upon entrance we strip the kids down to just their clothes, sneakers & a jacket. Everything else gets packed in the last empty bag. The kids have got their backpacks. We ask the airline employee to translate to them that we will leave their suitcases here & they will arrive in America...it's a stretch, but we are prepared to carry them on if need be. Luckily, they're only half-awake so they don't seem any more distressed, then they are already, about leaving their suitcases.

Now on to customs. We take the escalator upstairs & the kids are falling over! They are searching for balance & unsure what to grab. We realize this is probably their first escalator ride! I can't say it was a ton of fun, but we made it up w/o either of them crying. The line for customs is short for families, which is great. We just want to get through this airport & onto that plane! Our turn...the agent takes her time looking at our American passports. She doesn't speak English. She begins to look at the kids Russian passports & asks questions. Of course, we still don't speak Russian so she gets nowhere. She calls a supervisor on the phone & we wait. The supervisor asks us if we speak Russian. I answer no, but L does. I understand enough to know that she asks L if we are her parents. She answers no. What? I try to not look alarmed & smile...what else can I do? The supervisor asks O the same question & he gives the same reply. Really? She comes around from behind the counter & bends down to talk w/ the kids. In different words she rephrased the same question. We finally get a yes from L-yahoo! Then O repeats what his sister said- relief! She asks us in English if we have paperwork in Russian from the court. Yes, yes, yes we do! Please read it, read all of it, we need to get out of here! We are extra cautious because of the pending adoption ban for Americans adopting Russian children. Everyday things seem to be getting worse, not better. If we wait any longer & we may get stuck here...and miss Christmas! Praise God all is in order & the supervisor lets us through. Hopefully, this will be the last snag.

We buy some snacks; I grab a coffee; we board the plane. The kids are excited for their first plane ride. Eventually, L crashes out next to me for about an hour. O hits overdrive at that point. It's still early morning & the other passengers are not thrilled that we keep taking pictures of O. He is laughing & is totally impressed w/ all of the things he can do w/ the travel pillow! Literally, he crashes hard the last 10 minutes of the trip. We try to gently wake him, but instant meltdown occurs & we decide it's better to deal w/ cranky sleepy kid when the plane lands than hysterical crying kid now.

We have landed in Frankfurt, Germany. We get a bite to eat, walk a bit to stretch our legs. We were warned that if we missed our flight & had to stay the night, we would then need to go to the Russian Embassy. The kids will become American citizens when we touch down on American soil. Until then, they are Russian citizens. Russians need a visa to go to Germany, but a stop-over is fine. Again, everything goes smoothly...until we board the plane. We realize that our seats are not together. The airline employee says that we need to wait until we board the plane to change this. They let us board first because we have small children. Then they tell us to wait until the rest of the passengers have boarded to change our seats...it seems like there should be an easier way. This airline is German, which leaves an interesting situation because our family speaks English or Russian, but not German :) Eventually, they can get us 2 seats here & 2 seats there.

We get settled in our seats. It's chaotic & I can't find where they put Corbin & O. L seems alright, so I don't make a big deal of it. She is excited to see she has a tv. She turns it on, off, on, off, volume up, volume down, changes channels, plays music, etc. for 20 minutes. By the time she looks around, she realizes that we are in the air climbing. In a split second, I can see sheer panic come over her. She is pale, she is clammy...oh yeah, you know what's coming. I search the seat pockets. Don't they have these airsickness bags in every seat? You know the ones that are always in your way that you never need...well, now I need it & I need it now! I look over to see her cheeks bulging & her hands covering her mouth! I'm in a panic, too! I press the attendant button. I'm still searching & I can't find bags anywhere! I press her attendant button- why aren't they coming? A mom across from me realizes I need help...she speaks German, of source. I give her the int'l sign for puking & she hits her attendant button & begins searching for those bags, too. Backup is the airline magazine...doesn't work well :( but, I can't wait anymore. It's spilling everywhere. We head back to the bathroom. I find 2 airline attendants in their seats & they tell me we need to sit down. Apparently, the seatbelt sign is on...I am so frustrated there are no nice words! I give them the int'l sign for pukage & get L to the bathroom. Of course, she's all done, but at least I can throw away this magazine.

We get back to our seats & I inspect the damage...we have just begun a 9.5 hour flight w/ no extra clothes. Amazingly, there is no damage! Not on the seat, not on her clothes...I'm utterly amazed. The attendant comes over to give us wet towels. She mentions that there are airsickness bags...don't even start! I explain my dilemma. Recently, they decided to put these bags in the new 2nd pocket behind the tv...information that would have been useful earlier :) she is very sweet & finds us seats closer to Corbin & O, so L can see them. She checks on them regularly during the remainder of the flight. O spends most of the flight napping on Corbin. I spend most of the flight talking the ear off of the guy beside me. L spends most of the flight switching activities every 5 minutes for 9.5 hours. I have been rattled ever since the vomit incident & it doesn't subside until the last hour of the flight.

Finally, we arrive in Denver. On our way out of the terminal, there are huge glass walkways. We can see the Colorado plains & snow covered mountains. I get teary. We did it! We made it! We are finally home! I look down at L. She is home, too & it feels anything, but home. I had so many things I wanted to tell her, but it took all I had not to cry. In the end, I managed to point out the windows & say "America!" & put a fake smile on.

Customs, Immigration & finally out the glass doors to see the faces of our friends & family. There were friends w/ their biological children & their adopted children. There was Grandma, Grandpa, brothers & sister. This is where our new life begins. One journey is completed & our next journey begins.

Slowly, we will find our new normal.