Coming to terms with regrets

For a long time I had a motto, "I want to live so that I have no regrets when I breathe my last." For years I liked this motto. It suited me. Lately, I've been rethinking this motto. I have regrets. And I'm finding that as I get older, I have more, not less. Here lies the conflict. Should I not have any regrets at all? Should I make excuses to prove to myself I shouldn't have regrets or maybe just pretend I don't have them? 

I lay awake sometimes at night, replaying what I could have done better, how I could have phrased something more eloquently, how I could have been more loving. I'm left to my own worst critic, me.

Since becoming an adult, I've had a short list of character traits I believed to be true about myself. Recently, I've started to wonder if these traits still hold true. This leads to me ponder if it is possible to live life & have no absolutely no regrets in the process. What would that look like? As a recovering perfectionist, this option is very appealing! Being able to comfort someone with perfect wording the first time, encouraging a friend perfectly the first time, parenting all of your children perfectly the first time...the possibilities! As a bonus, I would not have to say sorry. EVER. Tempting...but is that what I really want?

I teach my children that saying "I'm sorry" is important. When relationships are fractured, saying sorry helps repair hurt feelings & brings people back together. It also helps the one who says sorry. The act of apologizing helps make amends & deflates egos when we truly relate to the other person. My regrets hurt more deeply now than when I was twenty. But, through the process of saying sorry my compassion for others has grown.

This current season of life is stretching me. I'm trying to accomplish things I haven't tried before. It's difficult to not get stuck over-analyzing my mistakes. I picture my babies when they learned to walk. They fell over & over. I didn't fret over each fall, rather I looked ahead knowing this was a part of the process. I was excited about the accomplishment I knew was ahead for them. My regrets can tie my hands together so tightly there is no wiggle room to attempt anything new. Allowing God to use me in new ways means I will fall, fail. I want to be free to let God use me in new ways. I want to look ahead, excited for the accomplishments I know will come. This day I choose to look ahead for what I know God has prepared for me & lay down at His feet all the rest.